I have already mentioned that my past is something of a blur. There have been times when I have worked for the British Government, then as a fire eating stilt walker in a world renowned Flea Circus. After a brief stint as a stunt double as the chief Dementor in Harry Potter I had a spell as an understudy in the Bolshoi Ballet. I had effortlessly morphed into an early retirement and had decided to look for a home that would cosset and answer my every whim so I waited in what I like to think of as a half way house. Jolly nice chap he was too. Infact I got rather comfortable and had high hopes that this might be my final destination when a couple of rather shifty looking individuals arrived. They both looked vaguely presentable if I squinted (which I did) although the shorter one of the two kept leaping about which was a tad disconcerting. After a very pleasant cup of tea and a chat  together (I had a substandard dog biscuit that I immediately ejected with great velocity over the kitchen floor) they left and that was that.

Except for it wasn’t. A week later the grinning pair of chumps came back and this time they kidnapped me! Bundling me in the back of their car with a toy pig…the audacity! A toy pig! I have worked with some of the best minds in Whitehall and now I am sat in the back of a Ford Mondeo with a pink oinky pig.

That was several months ago now and I feel that I have settled in. I shall relax, snooze, snack and write my life story. So it begins – Spindlehound is here!