The Velvet Marmoset

An unexpected opportunity had arisen, and consequently there has been great excitement at Spindle Towers. News had come to us that Nelsons gentleman’s club ‘The Velvet Marmoset’ is up for sale. Nelson, somewhat anxious about this, has had numerous discussions with me as he sobbed great buckets of melancholic tears into his Cinzano. We were seated around the table of contemplation, discussing with fire and fervour the ramifications of the loss of the VM.

What it would primarily mean, is that I would see an awful lot more of Nelson, not a bad thing in itself, and of course he was still stepping out with the lovely Lady Hester. He seemed completely traumatised though as he was particularly fond of the establishment and had spent many an hour there. Fuelled by Cinzano and twiglets, we decided that we needed a plan.

I may have mentioned before that at times I do find myself at a loss for things to do. This could prove the perfect opportunity for me to get my paws into something, to channel my energy into a tangible goal. There would of course be outfits.

The Tiny Terror was beside herself with excitement as I discussed it with her later that day. We haphazardly devised a plan and decided to pool our resources together. As it turns out they are somewhat depleted after what she describe as ‘the horrendous costs of running a lurcher’. I think she might mean me. I tootled off and returned with my contributions to the cause, a receipt for a bottle of gin, an old bingo grid and a gravy bone. I was quite impressed at my haul. I also produced with a flourish an unidentified beak that I had discovered in the garden. Just a beak, I am unsure where the rest of the feathered creature was but it wasn’t due to my meddlesome ways this time. As it turns out she didn’t want any of my contributions, although I think she wavered a bit at the latter offering. We scraped together what we could and began our journey to night club ownership. During the following tedious weeks of discussion the Mistress (pfft!) seized upon the prospect of running a club with great excitement, this was a once in a lifetime chance to realise her desires to open a club where, as Lou Reed himself said ‘Just remember, different people have peculiar tastes’. This did cause some unease in Spindle Towers, but we decided it would be easier all round if we just let her get on with it. She scuttled out the room muttering to herself and citing passages from dubious literature through the ages.

We thought that it would take months of wrangling with solicitors but as it turned out the transaction was completed quite swiftly and only involved the procurement of an ancient Ford Fiesta and a box of Tunnocks Teacakes in exchange for the keys. We did check and it was perfectly legal and it was a pure coincidence that it coincided with Ralph ‘Fruity’ Richards hasty departure from these shores. Apparently he was going off grid, whatever that is. 

There was an awful lot of planning to do and it would take some time. Naturally we all had very different ideas. The property was quite large so we thought that we could rent out some of the rooms to assist with the finances. So far we had agreed to rent out one small room for the Hamster Fanciers Association, who had recently been evicted from their existing base for ‘nefarious behaviour in a public place’. It involved an oversized wooden sweetcorn and a rolled up copy of ‘Hamster Bi Monthly’. Something, we are assured was entirely motivated by an accidental over application of a HRT patch. The patch was of course not on the hamster, the problem was caused when it was discovered that Mr Pendle had snaffled some of his wifes’ patches, to help with…well…a trifling problem. It apparently did not help. Other rooms would of course become available in time, but we thought it prudent to see how this went first.

Sister Josephine had applied for the position of hostess. She seemed to have her own idea of what her job description would entail, but she fully embraced the idea of an all inclusive club and began to furiously scribble notes. She was to be in charge of some of the workshops we were thinking of running, the list so far:

1.Stripping for the uncoordinated

2. Castanets for the unwary

3. 100 ways with bicarbonate of soda

4. Needle felting with foraged hair

We also had to come up with some kind of marketing fluff, her first attempt was:

Any earthly worries, you will forget

Once safe inside the Marmoset

Give in to it my dears, to all it has

Your unbridled desires, leather clad

Next, we needed a spiffy new logo, and Sister J was spotted sketching various incarnations of a marmoset, clinging seductively to a pole, wearing a sumptuous velvet cape and winking. This was an improvement on the first one where the marmoset was languishing upside down..well I am not even going to elaborate, all I will say is that marmosets should not look quite like that. Ever. David Attenborough would have been very upset indeed.

We suggested she work on it a bit more, and this is where we are now in the planning stage. There is much to do here at Spindle Towers, but I will of course keep you informed of the Marmoset news!

Time for a nap, Pip Pip!

 

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