I like to think I have an enquiring mind…well…I have a mind and that is a start.

This evening you find me laying in a heap of discarded, wilting, spindlesome limbs. The weather has surpassed itself in terms of heat today. The atmosphere here is hot, humid with an additional helping of squelch. Hector has taken to wearing shorts and his velvety limbs stuck to the chair when he got up in a hurry. He shedded several layers of skin in the hurried dismount and he muttered some deplorable words. It could have been much, much worse I suppose if he had taken to naked lounging…

I have been laying quite low recently, the reason is that I have been taking part in an enormous, solo, very grown up sulk. The sulk lasted a good few days before I was annoyingly coaxed out of it by a bewitching sausage offering. I was fully anticipating that I would be able to resist the lure of this meaty baton, alas the heart and stomach were weak. My protest was following an incident here at Spindle Towers.

I can confirm it involved one of maters magnificent aubergines that she had lovingly cultivated in the greenhouse. She swears by her methods of extra curricula growth enhancement (in vegetable matters only) which consists of reading selected poetry to them in the style of Patrick Moore during an episode of A Sky at Night, and occasionally playing them songs by Jake Thackeray, accompanied by her on an ocarina. 

It evidently works as we have been witness so far to two enormous purple dirigibles, carried into the house with great pomp and ceremony. After she had an impromptu photo session, she laid them on the kitchen side and exited the room to send the photos to her friend. 

I peered up at them, houndly curiosity piqued. Well, I have never seen anything quite so plumptious and magnificent in my life!  I myself have not met one of these before, and so my natural instinct was to introduce myself. Keen to get a closer look, I batted one off the side and it bounced and rolled to my open paws. The next thing I discovered is that aubergines, with their famed lustrous lacquer, are near impossible to grasp in a canine paw. Problem solved, my jaws are famed in several continents for their grabbing abilities. After some impromptu vegetable air hockey across the floor, I managed to corner it and bite down in abandonment. 

What I don’t understand is how such a beautiful object can taste so bitter and not at all…well…shiny? It was very reminiscent of the time I accidentally consumed a candle shaped like a cactus. No harm was done thankfully, but the after effects were likened to a Lalique styled, stained glass bowel evacuation. Stunning.

Deciding the vegetable was not worth further examination, I gently nudged it with my pointy nose into one of Hectors shoes, where it lay forlornly on its side. I had completely forgotten about this trifling matter, until much later when it was dinner time and I found myself in the company of the humans in the kitchen. 

A conversation was had regarding the aforementioned vegetable, some comments were made…some of which were distinctly unfavourable.  My mistake was attempting to fudge the truth about what had happened. I must admit I normally am upfront about any perceived misdemeanours, but if you could have seen the glint in the Tiny Terrors beady eyes at the time of the trial/meeting/kitchen court  *shudders at the thought. 

My supposed ‘fraudulent’ defence regarding the circumstance of the final resting place of the aubergine – that it had rolled of its own accord off the counter, and made a violent lurch towards my alarmed (and thus open) jaws. I had no choice but to defend myself. 

I was eventually charged with five counts of acting in a toadacious manner, with no thought for others or the consequences of my pilfering. This is entirely untrue, I had thought about it briefly, but the seduction of its purple radiance outweighed any fall out.

It obviously didn’t take too long for me to remind them of their undying, total devotion to me, helped along by my huge brown eyes, mournful whimpering and gentle paw prodding. 

Farewell, for now my friend, keep calm and cool.