Today has been a day of duplicitous goings on, and I for one am not a happy hound. The day began quite well, as most days do with a frantic scrum for tea and toast. Today’s toast topping was eggy scrambles which is always to my satisfaction…although I must admit that it occasionally has a detrimental (depending on your outlook) effect on my wind production quota. 

Rather than our usual walk in the woods, muvver suggested that we could go further afield for our morning perambulation, and so we fired up the Yaris. I can imagine that the more suspicious of you might already have had a special warning tingle, but I am a trusting and simple hound, so I merely pressed my nose up to the window and made some snot swirls on the glass. The disadvantage of this creative endeavour is that I could no longer see where we were going. So imagine my surprise when muvver opened the door to the car….and we were at the vets. 

*Spindle crosses paws and purses lips channelling her best disgruntled Les Dawson.

Immediately my eyes narrowed in suspicion and my botty clamped shut in apprehension (a natural reaction to any sudden stress…unless it is a REALLY distressing situation, then the effect is somewhat reversed). As we made our way from the car, muvver attempted to go one way and I immediately made a break for the opposite direction. The lead became taut but however small and may I say ‘puny’ muvver is she can be annoyingly tenacious when she wants to be, so in a truculent zig zag, we made our way to the front door. 

This is when all hounds know to deploy extreme quivering mode. We vibrated our way to the waiting seats and the lovely staff all came to say hello to me – they all adore me in there. Muvver, sensing I was not entirely content, chatted to me in a soothing voice and then THE DOOR OPENED! 

Our lovely vet welcomed us in with a beaming smile, which didn’t fool me for one minute. What followed was what I shall call a thorough inspection “Excellent condition, considering my age”, I mean, how very dare he! Not content with this prodding and poking I then had my annual injection. I must admit that I thought it couldn’t get any worse…and that was when I discovered I was having a nasal inoculation next. 

I saw the vet approach from my left flank and I thought that enough was enough. I ignored muvver  who was now gently crooning Puff the Magic Dragon in my earsies and deployed battle tactics. Commence frantic hound Riverdance. 

What followed was a scrabble on the floor of me and muvver, which I was winning by the way, when the sneaky vet crept up and squirted me! It all went quiet and I glared at them both, then sneezed. 

After the indignities of this, I then discovered it was a two pronged attack as I was now booked in for a pedicure!

Muvver stayed outside for this one, and the nurse beguiled and hypnotised me into the room of doom with a snack. Naturally I trotted after her in hot pursuit of the offered sausage morsel…then the door closed. 

I shall never fully reveal what happened in that room. Reports from the reception desk claimed that ‘there were a number of audible huffs, a brief scuffle and then an overly dramatic whimper’ – and that wasn’t me!

I must hold my paws up now my good pals, as that in times like these, one can’t predict the exact time that a scrambled egg ‘tornado crop spreading event’ will occur. The nurse muttered something that I didn’t quite catch, as the sulphurous miasma engulfed us and then I was quickly ushered outback into muvvers loving arms. 

I gave muvver the look that conveyed we would be having a discussion about this on the way home. I reject the argument that it was for my own good. A Spindle shouldn’t be breached in such a manner, sausage notwithstanding.

We had all previously discussed the option of home clipping (once tried, never to be repeated) or even the purchase of a special hound pedicure Dremmel, but there was no way I was going to let either of those inept loons loose with it! I had visions of all four of my paws in slings and I wasn’t sure how I would navigate myself in such a circumstance. 

I spent the remainder of the day being stylishly aloof before I decided to welcome muvver back into the orbit of my affections. It is a wild rumour that this timing also coincided with our post dinner treat time. 

What a fickle beast I am, although I must admit that I don’t skitter and skid around the wooden floor as much now – but don’t tell them that. Between you and me pal, I don’t really mind it that much, it’s just how us sensitive, artistic hounds are! 

Pip pip for now my great pals!