What do we want? We want Hector, when do we want him? Now!

Muvver and I hovered outside the bathroom door, hopping from foot to foot and paw to paw with excited anticipation. You may ask why we were lurking in such a furtive manner, ready to pounce with gleeful abandonment whilst Hector performed his customary morning ablutions? It was his birthday!

*Somewhere in the distance a trumpet toots a tinny, celebratory fanfare

Naturally Muvver and I were VERY excited about this, however Hector seemed to want to keep it far more low key than we did. He grumbled when he awoke that morning to discover both of us perched by his side, eyeballing him, quivering with barely contained energy.

He briefly argued the case that he deserved a lie in, but our persistent prodding and unauthorised tampering determined that he would get up and enjoy this day of Hector based adoration. We were thrilled. He scuttled into the bathroom to do whatever alchemical things he does in there. We suspect he puts a chair up to the door so we can’t infiltrate his cleansing routine, it is that secret.

He later emerged from the bathroom with amidst a swirling steamy haze, very much like he was appearing in an episode of ‘Stars in their eyes’. If he were, then we suspect he would be rocking the Mick Fleetwood look from the Rumours album cover (without the dangly whatnots, although in all fairness we couldn’t tell as he was enveloped in a fluffy towel).

We were flapped out of the bedroom so he could get dressed without interference, so we popped the kettle on and waited for him in the kitchen – it was prize giving time! It was also Portuguese custard tart time, which I especially looked forward to, although the delectable pastry flakes could be troublesome to ones whiskers without careful handling.

The question of gifts had caused something of a problem for us. Earlier in the week Muvver and I had sat at the kitchen table, clutching steaming mugs of Earl Grey, wearing matching expressions of earnest pondering…ponderation…ponderfication.

Only a display of magnificence would do for our Hector.  As is his custom each year, he enjoys a day of celebration and unfettered worshipping, organised by our good selves. There would be cheering, singing and a grand prize giving when he would excitedly unwrap his loot. 

It is the question of the loot that had troubled us. Muvver was keen to get him something that managed to convey the deep respect within which we held him, and I just wanted to poke fun at him getting older. 

A Hector is a complex creature, with many facets and a number of bewildering and dubious interests. He is well known for his vast collections, which include Singer sewing machines, steam engines and Classic and Sports Car Monthly, which he has collected since 1984. Our shelves literally weep under the sheer weight of them.

HIs various addictions, Land Rovers, Fruit Pastilles to name a few had been generally fed and nurtured over the years. Perhaps it was time to gently steer him into a new direction? 

My magnificent houndly idea was to gently nudge him down the track of something different and out of his comfort zone. Perhaps a small specialist holiday where he could relax and kick off his sling backs? I found a lovely camping site with woodland crafts and a close community in a beautiful setting. It was however also a naturist site and Muvver became concerned that he may come a cropper with a band saw. She also pointed out that this would not be that unusual for him as on warm summer nights, Hector had been known to potter about the garden at Spindle Towers in the altogether…although he stopped this when he discovered next door had a security light on a motion sensor. 

Muvver was keen to introduce him to trying out some circus skills. I had to agree that he would look quite charming flying through the air on a trapeze, ponytail flapping in the air, sequins twinkling in the spotlight. His long and lithe limbs would surely add a certain natural elegance to any performance be it aerial or flame based. 

We then bandied about the idea of reforming the gang for a brief tour of our flea circus, but alas our work commitments stymied this. 

So what do you get a Hector? A man who has everything. Previous gifts have included subscriptions to Beard Topiary Monthly, Which Monocle and Collectors Anonymous. He also owns a spiffy collection of vintage medical apparatus and a small selection of oil cans. 

A debonair slipper shuffle announced the arrival of Hector, pink cheeked (under his beard) and freshly powder puffed. His gimlet eyes lit up at the sight of the custardy tarts of delight and the pot of industrial strength coffee. It was then my good pals, that we announced our gift!

We were going to take him on a mystery tour holiday jaunt…in our new Eriba caravan! 

We would traverse the beautiful country that we live in, see the grand sights and…although I hadn’t mentioned this to the loons as yet…I had high hopes of visiting in person, my paramour, the flutterer of my lacy petticoats…Eggy Elton!

Pip pip for now my dear friends