Greetings my pals, today you find me gently melting at Spindle Towers. I have turned into a Salvador Dali clock. I am limp and droopy, and one lazy glance at the loons slumped over the kitchen table opposite me told me that they were also in a state of listless apathy. Very occasionally in this country we have a spell of weather where the sun drags its posterior out of the clouds to spread its heated tendrils over us. Our first instinct is one of joy, where we instantly engage holiday mode. Barbecues are brushed down and dragged out and summer wear is rifled through and squeezed into. The second instinct (an hour later) is to decry a heatwave and to flop about like a landed halibut.
We were now three hours in to the sunny weather and were fanning ourselves with newspapers, magazines and envelopes from opened bills.
I am sure I am not the only hound that struggles through hot days…or indeed cold days…sometimes mild ones too. Today however was proving to be a squelchsome and difficult, botty searing day.
Thankfully I have an extensive wardrobe of outerwear that I can rummage through if I need warming up, or cooling down, so I peeled my buttocks from the chair they had almost hermitically sealed to, and went to investigate.
Firkling through my wardrobe, I was horrified to discover that there is a huge omission of cooling undergarments. It is this sensitive subject – undergarments – that I would like to walk you through dear reader.
It is very difficult for a hound of my repute, to find the correct balance between function and design in one’s selection of suitable under-crackers.
Of course, those with common sense would posit that there is no need for a hound to wear underwear, but to this I wave my paw in a gentle reprimand. There are many reasons why a hound should pay close attention to the garments which so gently and lovingly encase ones particles.
I have a preference for natural fabrics, especially in the summer heat. The law states that a hound is genetically programmed to spend ones day upside down with all limbs coquettishly pointed outwards, but occasionally one has to take precautions to protect ones delicate skin if outside.
On a warm day it can be most troublesome to apply sun tan lotion to ones nethers in a way that is not unseemly or open to misinterpretation. Thankfully the PCSO who apprehended me some time back in the application process was very understanding and helped me do the bits I couldn’t quite reach. Sadly however by this time unsavoury rumours were flitting around the local park and therefore on such an occasion I would favour a chic pair of uv protection bloomers.
These would have a tiny flap which can be raised like a side curtain when one needs to answer the call of nature. I also have hopes that it may decrease the amount of adventurous ticks that seem to like to latch on anywhere warm. There is nothing more undignified than ones staff coming at you with a tick tool and a determined look in their eye.
I would also like to put to you, that there is nothing wrong with a little mystique and wonderment when observing another hounds…special and most private areas. I am aware that as a rule, we hounds tend not to care about our sensibilities – we are back to the roach phenomena and the traditional ‘flaps out friday’ photo celebrations on twitter – yes, this is a thing, but sometimes, a gal can, and should be demure on occasions.
All in all, I think I can safely say that I have made a sound argument for the need for better delicate parts apparel. We then of course come to the subject of design. I see no need to be unfashionable when strutting ones stuff about town. If I am to sashay into a bar for a hydrating libation, I wish to do so with style and panache. Yes, I am a fan of a little lace embellishment, but I do not want to wander into Bo Peep territory. In moments of sartorial indecision, I ask myself, what would Miss Marple wear?
You can blame my heat befuddled mind, but I put action to thought, grabbed a pen and paper and have devised a rather natty range of lingerie, which I have named Spindle’s Scanties. I like to think there is something for everyone. I am especially proud of my slogan ‘Spindle’s scanties, not just panties’.
Naturally the basic range is the cotton ones with the side curtain. I have sewn small pockets into some to pop in ice cubes/frozen peas for extreme emergency conditions.
I have also devised a small range of pant widgets, ‘add ons’ that can maximise comfort at a small additional cost. For example, I have a bluetooth enabled fan that gently directs a blissful breeze at any hot spots. Thankfully I tried it out before launching it as I misjudged the placement of the fan and it proved to be a rather smarting experience.
All in all I am rather pleased with my creations and I shall spend my humid evening putting together a spiffy, shiny catalogue that I can then distribute to the discerning customer who expresses an interest. Indeed pals, I feel a new venture coming on!
Until next time, love and Spindly hugs.
One thought on “Spindle’s Scanties”
Perhaps Elsie could get in touch with Evie and teach her something about modesty. You saw her latest photo…tart!!
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